It has been a horrible couple of weeks in the VS_ozgirl household.
We have had ongoing marital problems due to a friendship DH has with a female friend which I view as inappropriate. This is why we have been going to marriage counselling.
This has all come to a head a couple of weeks ago due to something I have seen which has made me upset and after a nasty fight, DH has agreed to end the friendship. However he ended the friendship and came home and said that he doesn't know what he wants anymore.
A couple of days later he has said that maybe we need some time apart to see if we can work things out and so that he will know what he wants. I think the reason why he has said this is because he doesn't know why all of a sudden he is doing what he is doing. He knows it's not right, however he thinks that unhappiness within our marriage is the cause - that we have drifted apart after many years.
This was not last Sunday, but the Sunday before. On the Monday night it was apparent that he needs to be elsewhere. He went to one of his best friend's houses for dinner on Tuesday and his best friend (male friend, not the person in question) and his partner agreed to let him stay for a bit.
He went to marriage counselling on his own last week and had a big talk with the marriage counsellor. The marriage counsellor told him not to stay away from home too long as it will become hard to re-interact. He has to go to the counsellor again this week and then we are to go together next week.
He has been at his friend's house since last Wednesday night. We went out to dinner last Friday to talk things out and it seemed promising, however he has been coming around each day of the weekend to do things around the house that need to be done and it is looking less promising over the last couple of days.
I am devastated. I miss him so much. I have told him that he cannot be friends with this woman, and as long as he is our marriage will never work. He understands that if he is to come home he cannot have contact with her ever. Now he is not sure of what his feelings are towards me anymore, or if he wants to be married.
I have told him today that I love him so much, and don't want to throw away the nearly 19 years we have together, and just want him back home. And this hurts so much. He has told me that he knows I love him so much but he just doesn't know what his feelings are, but he just wants to work out what's wrong and move forward.
Last night I heard a loud noise and was scared so called him and just had him on the phone a couple of minutes so I knew that nobody was here and after talking for a minute he was crying down the phone.
He said that he doesn't know what's wrong with him and at the moment he has no feelings, he doesn't know if he's coming or going.
I don't think he's had a chance to miss me because he's seen me nearly every day even though he's staying elsewhere. I told him that when I went to the UK for 2 & 1/2 weeks I didn't miss him at the beginning because I was seeing new things but by the end of the trip I missed him and was ready to come home. I told him to take enough clothes for 5 days so he doesn't have to come home and hopefully he will start missing me.
He's taken some clothes but because I was doing washing today needs to get more and will come over tomorrow when I'm not home.
Everything hurts so much. He's texting me goodnight and it hurts because he's not on holiday, he's trying to work out if he still wants to be with me, and he should be home with me in our bed kissing me goodnight. He asked me if I wanted him to stop doing that and I said no, because even though it hurts like hell I'm glad I'm the last thing on his mind before he goes to sleep.
I had to put new towels out for the week and didn't have to put any on his towel rail because he's not here and that hurt.
I had to do grocery shopping for myself and our animals only and that hurt.
Because there's only me here I cooked up a big batch of beef and red wine casserole and will freeze about 3 nights worth.
I have cancelled all of our transfers into our checking account and credit cards and will transfer money over as needed. I need to work out what we have spent for the week and possibly put in $200 into our checking account.
I told him he can't stay away too long, but what happens in the next couple of weeks is anyone's guess. There will come a time in the next couple of weeks where he will be called to make a choice as to whether he comes home or we break up, and while I'm trying to stay positive I'm devastated in case we do break up.
I know there are far worse things than a break up but this hurts like hell.
Weeks 21-22: Awful, awful, awful.
June 11th, 2018 at 11:08 am
June 11th, 2018 at 12:33 pm 1528720433
Regardless, I hope he gets the clarity he needs soon, and I wish you the best however it turns out.
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June 12th, 2018 at 12:09 pm 1528805377
Debtfree I definitely think a lot of this stems from him being upset at having to lose a friend who he has developed a very strong bond with, although he acknowledges where I'm coming from, especially as other friends of his have also said he should end the friendship. Perhaps the stress right now means he has no feelings? Feeling adrift is actually meaning us drifting apart - growing apart when different interests take more importance and you start to lead separate lives. I think he has some depression, and is definitely a candidate for a midlife crisis given his age.
Rose hopefully the marriage counsellor can help us get to the bottom of this, he is very good. There possibly could be something going on that he might not be able to communicate?
Laura I saw your post recently and my heart goes out to you, I know how you are feeling. I don't know if we can afford a counsellor for me as well as marriage counselling, but I am reading things on how to deal with very stressful times and am trying self care by taking it easy and doing things that I like (making a big batch of nourishing casserole, watched a funny movie the other night which seemed to help, and reaching out to friends)... you are so right about the rollercoaster though! My emotions are all over the place.. eg last night I was upset, this morning angry and anxious, this evening sad, later this evening kind of calm.. and the depth of emotions is huge!! I'm not used to that, I try to be calm most of the time...
LR definitely think depression could be a possibility
CB thank you for your advice.. while I don't know about getting a counsellor as I am anxious about money at the moment, I have a couple of very level-headed friends who are helping me to ensure I am not going to be taken advantage of. It got to a point where I had to demand that he end the friendship as there was so much secrecy and things that just weren't right. But yes this is definitely awful! You along with other single women here on SA and my single friends do show me that even though I want us to last and don't want to be single, I could live a good life if it came to it.
Starfishy the navigating and adjusting to being in a house on my own is definitely tough!
Thank you everybody, really appreciate your comments!
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