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Home > Weeks 21-22: Awful, awful, awful.

Weeks 21-22: Awful, awful, awful.

June 11th, 2018 at 04:08 am

It has been a horrible couple of weeks in the VS_ozgirl household.

We have had ongoing marital problems due to a friendship DH has with a female friend which I view as inappropriate. This is why we have been going to marriage counselling.

This has all come to a head a couple of weeks ago due to something I have seen which has made me upset and after a nasty fight, DH has agreed to end the friendship. However he ended the friendship and came home and said that he doesn't know what he wants anymore.

A couple of days later he has said that maybe we need some time apart to see if we can work things out and so that he will know what he wants. I think the reason why he has said this is because he doesn't know why all of a sudden he is doing what he is doing. He knows it's not right, however he thinks that unhappiness within our marriage is the cause - that we have drifted apart after many years.

This was not last Sunday, but the Sunday before. On the Monday night it was apparent that he needs to be elsewhere. He went to one of his best friend's houses for dinner on Tuesday and his best friend (male friend, not the person in question) and his partner agreed to let him stay for a bit.

He went to marriage counselling on his own last week and had a big talk with the marriage counsellor. The marriage counsellor told him not to stay away from home too long as it will become hard to re-interact. He has to go to the counsellor again this week and then we are to go together next week.

He has been at his friend's house since last Wednesday night. We went out to dinner last Friday to talk things out and it seemed promising, however he has been coming around each day of the weekend to do things around the house that need to be done and it is looking less promising over the last couple of days.

I am devastated. I miss him so much. I have told him that he cannot be friends with this woman, and as long as he is our marriage will never work. He understands that if he is to come home he cannot have contact with her ever. Now he is not sure of what his feelings are towards me anymore, or if he wants to be married.

I have told him today that I love him so much, and don't want to throw away the nearly 19 years we have together, and just want him back home. And this hurts so much. He has told me that he knows I love him so much but he just doesn't know what his feelings are, but he just wants to work out what's wrong and move forward.

Last night I heard a loud noise and was scared so called him and just had him on the phone a couple of minutes so I knew that nobody was here and after talking for a minute he was crying down the phone.

He said that he doesn't know what's wrong with him and at the moment he has no feelings, he doesn't know if he's coming or going.

I don't think he's had a chance to miss me because he's seen me nearly every day even though he's staying elsewhere. I told him that when I went to the UK for 2 & 1/2 weeks I didn't miss him at the beginning because I was seeing new things but by the end of the trip I missed him and was ready to come home. I told him to take enough clothes for 5 days so he doesn't have to come home and hopefully he will start missing me.

He's taken some clothes but because I was doing washing today needs to get more and will come over tomorrow when I'm not home.

Everything hurts so much. He's texting me goodnight and it hurts because he's not on holiday, he's trying to work out if he still wants to be with me, and he should be home with me in our bed kissing me goodnight. He asked me if I wanted him to stop doing that and I said no, because even though it hurts like hell I'm glad I'm the last thing on his mind before he goes to sleep.

I had to put new towels out for the week and didn't have to put any on his towel rail because he's not here and that hurt.

I had to do grocery shopping for myself and our animals only and that hurt.

Because there's only me here I cooked up a big batch of beef and red wine casserole and will freeze about 3 nights worth.

I have cancelled all of our transfers into our checking account and credit cards and will transfer money over as needed. I need to work out what we have spent for the week and possibly put in $200 into our checking account.

I told him he can't stay away too long, but what happens in the next couple of weeks is anyone's guess. There will come a time in the next couple of weeks where he will be called to make a choice as to whether he comes home or we break up, and while I'm trying to stay positive I'm devastated in case we do break up.

I know there are far worse things than a break up but this hurts like hell.

20 Responses to “Weeks 21-22: Awful, awful, awful.”

  1. Debt-free by Thir-ty Says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does he have other personal issues going on? The 'not having feelings' and feeling adrift sounds more like deeper mental health issues, and maybe the relationship strains are an effect of that.

    Regardless, I hope he gets the clarity he needs soon, and I wish you the best however it turns out.

  2. Carol Says:

    So very sorry you are going thru this.

  3. monkeymama Says:


  4. Dido Says:

    I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time right now.

  5. creditcardfree Says:

    ((Hugs)) That sounds awful. I'm so sorry for you both. I hope clarity comes to him soon.

  6. Rose. Says:

    I can imagine this is very stressful and upsetting. Maybe you 2 can possibly get to the root of the problem? It sounds like there is something going on that maybe he doesn't know how to communicate. I am hoping for the best. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

  7. Laura Says:

    ☹️. Having been through a rough patch recently, and actually still in turbulent times, I get it. My advice: try to concentrate on your own self care. See your own therapist outside of marriage counseling ( work on coping skills, communication skills, and anything that relates to your own boundaries). Look for a group to do things with not related to current situation (book club, knitting club, Bible study, service opportunity, volunteering at pet shelter, etc). Regardless of the outcome, you will be OK. It sucks. No way to sugar coat it. Eat when you’re hungry and sleep when you’re tired. Watch a funny movie that makes you laugh. If your situation is anything like mine, there will be peaks and valleys, the rollercoaster. Don’t over catastrophize and don’t be overly optimistic as it changes day to day. You haven’t checked out, but the work that needs to be done here is both individual and joint. (Hugs)

  8. LuckyRobin Says:

    Is it possible he is clinically depressed. It sounds like he has many of the symptoms. I am sorry he is treating you so poorly.

  9. Rachael777 Says:

    ((HUGS)) I am so sorry you are going through. reach out or write on here for support at any time

  10. My English Castle Says:

    I'm sorry VS. Laura is right, take care of yourself first.

  11. kashi Says:

    Hugs to you and hope for clarity soon. Feeling like you are in limbo is awful. Take good care of yourself.

  12. CB in the City Says:

    Nothing hurts like the breakup of a long-term relationship. I've been through lots of awful stuff in my life, but my divorce was definitely the worst. I agree with Laura that you should pursue counseling on your own. You need someone in your corner, because your husband is putting you through a bad time, because of problem he brought to the relationship. By the way, I'm very glad you stood up to him and demanded an end to an inappropriate outside relationship. Some women wouldn't, and that's sad.

  13. Shiela Says:

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, take care of yourself.

  14. starfishy Says:

    oh, no...so sorry to hear this. thinking of you as you navigate through this unexpected turn of events. take care.

  15. VS_ozgirl Says:

    Thank you all so much for your support, it means the world to me and it is so great to be able to speak freely and anonymously as only a handful of people know what is going on and it is so hard to go through something awful and keep it secret.

    Debtfree I definitely think a lot of this stems from him being upset at having to lose a friend who he has developed a very strong bond with, although he acknowledges where I'm coming from, especially as other friends of his have also said he should end the friendship. Perhaps the stress right now means he has no feelings? Feeling adrift is actually meaning us drifting apart - growing apart when different interests take more importance and you start to lead separate lives. I think he has some depression, and is definitely a candidate for a midlife crisis given his age.

    Rose hopefully the marriage counsellor can help us get to the bottom of this, he is very good. There possibly could be something going on that he might not be able to communicate?

    Laura I saw your post recently and my heart goes out to you, I know how you are feeling. I don't know if we can afford a counsellor for me as well as marriage counselling, but I am reading things on how to deal with very stressful times and am trying self care by taking it easy and doing things that I like (making a big batch of nourishing casserole, watched a funny movie the other night which seemed to help, and reaching out to friends)... you are so right about the rollercoaster though! My emotions are all over the place.. eg last night I was upset, this morning angry and anxious, this evening sad, later this evening kind of calm.. and the depth of emotions is huge!! I'm not used to that, I try to be calm most of the time...

    LR definitely think depression could be a possibility

    CB thank you for your advice.. while I don't know about getting a counsellor as I am anxious about money at the moment, I have a couple of very level-headed friends who are helping me to ensure I am not going to be taken advantage of. It got to a point where I had to demand that he end the friendship as there was so much secrecy and things that just weren't right. But yes this is definitely awful! You along with other single women here on SA and my single friends do show me that even though I want us to last and don't want to be single, I could live a good life if it came to it.

    Starfishy the navigating and adjusting to being in a house on my own is definitely tough!

    Thank you everybody, really appreciate your comments!

  16. rob62521 Says:

    I am so sorry. I certainly hope things can be worked out. I'm very glad you are going to see a marriage counselor. I will say a prayer for you both.

  17. pjmama Says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through this, and my heart goes out to you. It definitely seems like some space might be good for him to sort out his feelings. And it's going to be a completely wave of emotions for a while. DH and I are splitting up right now, and it hits me at the weirdest times and in ways I never expected. It's hard even when it's amicable, and I think in some ways even harder when you still care for someone so very much. Take care of yourself. We're thinking of you!

  18. scottish girl Says:

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

  19. frugaltexan75 Says:

    I'm so sorry to hear this VS. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  20. VS_ozgirl Says:

    Thank you Rob, PJ Mama, FrugalTexan and SG... PJ Mama I remember reading your post that you and DH were getting a divorce, I'm very sorry to hear it - glad that it's amicable though

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